God's Comfort When Navigating Loss

Mount Rainier

Sixteen months ago, my dad died. I watched him struggle through two months of medical problems, then after three weeks in hospice, Dad met Jesus face-to-face. And what a wonderful day that was for him. However, it began a year-long journey of grief for me, which still overwhelms me at times. For most of 2024, I went through the motions of living, but couldn't do much more.

I have navigated depression for most of my adult life. With the proper medication and an understanding of how to control my thoughts, I have lived an enjoyable, productive life. But by June of last year, that all changed. In addition to my deep depression, my anxiety returned. It had been more than twenty years since anxiety had been my companion.

In addition to the return of anxiety, my mind wrestled with every failure from my past that I ruminated on continuously, especially when I tried to sleep at night. And the interruption of sleep exacerbated my depression and anxiety. I don't know if it is a natural thing to consider one's mortality when confronting the loss of a parent, that is what happened with me. I realized there were many things I wish I had done and more things I wanted to do, and I worried it was too late for me. I believe this is why I focused so much on my past regrets. When I found myself entertaining thoughts of suicide, I knew something needed to be done.

He was there all along, I just needed to reach out to him so he could heal me.

Because of all these things going on in my life, I have spent many hours with God this past year. I prayed fervently that he would take away my depression and anxiety so that I could do more for him, but like Paul, he reminded me that in my weakness, I will find strength. I gave my life over to him, along with my depression and anxiety. Instead of thinking I could fix everything, I chose to stop making demands and rest in his presence.

One night, I was unable to sleep because of the anxious thoughts flip-flopping in my head, and I felt I was at the end of my rope. Enough was enough. I put my ear buds in, turned on worship music, and asked God to heal me. I felt myself relax and soon fell asleep. I don't know how long I slept, but I woke to Dolly Parton singing "There Was Jesus." I knew when I heard those words that I had been healed of my anxiety. When I thought I was going through this trial on my own, I realized that Jesus had been there the whole time just waiting for me to let go of all of it.

When I quit trying to control my circumstances and trusted that God would help me, he did. He would have done it sooner if only I had let go of the controls of my life. Our God wants to heal us; he calls us to trust him. And when we do, when we truly let go and let God, he transforms our lives.

I still miss my dad; I think I will always grieve his loss. But I can now look back at my life with him in gratitude for the foundation of life he provided me. And my heart is whole knowing that my earthly dad and heavenly Father are walking together in eternity, and someday I will join them there. Until then, I will serve God in all that I do.